Definition of Emotional Insecurity

Emotional insecurity is a feeling that leaves us in an uncomfortable and upset place, not knowing what to do, hesitating, distrusting oneself or the environment, unable to make simple decisions, nervous or with fear. This negative emotion, which has a psychological causation, can affect our self-esteem, projects and interpersonal relationships.

You can be insecure about capabilities (eg: “I don't think I'm ready to pass the math test"), from the affection of others (eg: “I'm not sure my partner loves me"), of the concretion of goals (eg: "I'm afraid to try to fulfill my dreams, because I don't know if I will fail"), etc.

How are insecure people? Examples about yourself and the environment

These are individuals that are sometimes inhibited, sometimes extroverted, but who focus on negative aspects of their lives. others or certain situations, with serious difficulties to trust (in them, in others, in experiences future).

Insecure people can avoid scenarios that generate a lot of anxiety, point out the defects of others to reaffirm their strengths or seek external approval in an excessive way.

Examples of unsafety emotional about yourself: “Tomás is extremely insecure, he needs to be told all the time that they love him”; “Mia is not at all sure about her physical appearance, she feels ugly”; “Benicio does not dare to leave the faculty and go for his dream of being a hairdresser”; “Constantine asks every moment if what he is doing is right.”.

Examples regarding the environment: “I feel that others speak ill of me behind my back", "I don't know if my family values ​​me”; “I have doubts about my husband's fidelity”. In general, when insecurity affects other people, it hides a deeper personal insecurity, unless it is supported by previous events, for example, If I don't feel safe with my partner because he has cheated on me previously, that is logical and it does not mean that I have a trait of emotional insecurity as part of my personality, but my psyche is trying to protect itself.

In relationships, it is very important trust mutual, believe that the other seeks my well-being and supports me, does not lie to me, wants the best for the bond. In this sense, emotional insecurity is one of the most frequent reasons for rupture, since it prevents that the couple feels solid foundations, to face their difficulties and enjoy their time shared.

Couples with great insecurity (who require professional psychological and/or psychiatric help) can manifest it in several ways: demanding that their love be constantly reaffirmed; having excessive jealousy; seeking to control the other; criticizing the other to show themselves strong; looking for excuses to fight and separate because they are not sure of the relationship; closing to dialogue for fear of not being heard. All this makes the coexistence a true battlefield, difficult to sustain over time, if a true reflection on the matter is not undertaken and a therapy (individual or couples, depending on the case) is started.

why are we insecure

All people have some insecurity, about various aspects (personality, skills, aptitudes, appearance) or in relation to the future (travels, moves, new jobs, changes in sentimental situation, Projects). This can be invariable or transitory, but as long as it does not cross certain limits it is something healthy, which makes us walk with some caution.

However, if insecurity is so great that it causes us suffering, rumination of thoughts or inhibitions to act, it would be good to go to a consultation with a professional psychologist.

In general terms, a very demanding or affectionate childhood, very critical parents, severe traumas, can lead to a person's emotional insecurity. Culture also causes insecurity, especially in women, to then sell them services and products that give them that taken away confidence or to distract them from paying attention to intellectual tasks and worrying them merely about their image, as an object of consumption. Likewise, a violent partner can make their partner (the victim) an insecure individual.

While insecurity has many causes (which may involve personal history, culturally shared ideals and demands, conditions, or illnesses), it is also influenced by our perception of reality, because in the same circumstances there are people who are more insecure than others.

how it heals

Emotional insecurity is worked on, in Psychoanalysis, going to its origins, untying identifications, exploring content veiled in the unconscious, asking questions, listening to our own words, returned by the analyst, in the form of mirror.

Once we are more clear about why we are insecure (each one will find their answer singular), it is in the hands of each consultant the decision of what to do with that knowledge to which he has accessed.

In this psychological current, it is not a question of silencing or hiding insecurity, nor of making it functional to the system, but to give it a place, affirm the truth that is found in it, and then see the responsibility of the subject in the place that he occupies.

How to raise confident children

Children's main caregivers (mothers, fathers, guardians, close relatives) have a great influence on their personality and self-esteem. To give them security it is important to be a constant presence in their lives, that they know that we will always be there, if they need us.

In addition, we must raise them with love, respect and clear limits, validating emotions, being flexible, since sometimes they are not able to understand or manage their emotions skilfully and need affectionate accompaniment to be able to grow in an environment that facilitates health mental.

If we are very severe or inflexible, we will be feeding a very rigid superego in these little people, which will bring them emotional insecurity. The violence, of all kinds, also generates insecurity and violates the rights of children, since, if the person who has to take care of me hurts me, the world becomes a dangerous and hostile place, in which I cannot rely. Overprotection is also harmful, because it means that we do not trust the children's own abilities and that is why we want to do everything for them; the message that is transmitted to its developing psyche is that the infant is not capable of doing something or doing it well (or it is not allowed to be wrong), therefore it needs exaggerated help or protection.

We should not compare children, especially with siblings or relatives, as each one is unique and confidence in their own abilities and preferences must be fostered.

Nor should mistakes be highlighted or given much importance, because children could feel ashamed, belittled or not very intelligent, strong, agile, etc.

Finally, it would not be convenient to mark the successes excessively, because that means that they are very pending external approval, thus seeking safety in others or competing to be “the best”, instead of enjoying, realizing in your uniqueness, concentrating on yourself themselves. When a child is having fun we can simply accompany and observe in silence, not interrupting or describing the game he plays, asking questions, enjoying with them. When they do homework, we can expect them to do it on their own, however they can, valuing the effort, encouraging desire and/or providing (moderate) help if the child needs it.